Attributions, see end of text

Dear Microsoft

While desperately trying to contact Microsoft and finally giving up I just grabbed my keyboard, and the following is what happened… Spoiler: I have not, by some archaic form of ancient magic witchcraft voodoo been able to contact Microsoft…

Dear Microsoft,

This is an open letter to you people at Microsoft.

I really doubt you would ever get back to me, but if you against all odds would care to raise your eyes from … whatever you’re mindlessly droning over right now… why don’t you comment (too late suckers, I may put back comments but not for you!) with an e-mail address I can use to contact you?

Yep! I said it. E-mail address!


Now, please relax! Take a pill (Not E! I need your focus a few more seconds!) I will not send you any viruses or bad porn or atom bombs or zip bombs or any form of bomb….

…I’m sure you’re already having a blast anyway…

It’s just… I am not born in the 90ies or later and I am having a hard time Tweeting or Facebooking or Instagramming or whatever with you support people.

I want to send you an e-mail where I can tell you about my problem.

You see, I am a paying customer! No torrent download. No serialz. No craxxz. No haxxxz.

<ALERT>A paying customer!</ALERT>

And I’m paying for your software.

And I can’t use it.

I come from the Linux world where not paying meant you had to suffer through support forums with dubious half answers. And most of the time you never got things to work anyway or if you got it to work it still broke down a little while later.

That’s why I switched away from Linux.

And, I bought an Office 365 subscription.

It works on my main computer… kind of… you see it’s a Mac…

Yep! I said it, a Mac!

So nothing “Office” really works anyway… or well it kinda works and it crashes impressively… that means that most of the times it will save the file and you can continue as if almost nothing had happened… so… it works well enough.

However. I was so happy to see there was also Office for iPad…

You won’t see LibreOffice, or OpenOffice or much of anything usable for iPad. Pages for iPad don’t work with Dropbox… Only iCloud…

Vendor lock-in!
Vendor lock-in!
Vendor lock-in!

…But Microsoft Office exists on the iPad…

…Kind of…

Well, I am sure someone can use it on the iPad.

Hey! Excel works. Haven’t tested PowerPoint… Haven’t been able to install Word.

Apple hates me by now, so they won’t help me anymore.

After all, I only bought the hardware from them. Twice the price, half the performance…. Veeeery cool (I guess?) design…

But, I can at least be disrespected by them via e-mail!

Maybe I’d get to mail you if I told you I had Tourettes and would yell at you to **** your ******* **** if I had to suffer through a phone call?

Okay, I don’t have Tourettes. I shouldn’t be joking about this. It’s serious stuff… but apparently Microsoft doesn’t have any customers with Tourettes, right?

Otherwise, you wouldn’t have the contact-by-phone-only policy, would you?

Anyway, if you read this, know there’s a customer out there and he’s unable to use your fine products.

And he is looking for alternatives.

And in a contrary to any other search for alternative software I’ve ever performed, I will now only consider products with e-mail support.


Update: Woohaaa! I just cracked this nut!!!

One Microsoft Way Redmond, WA 98052-6399

I can post my support request to you in a letter (and that is not as in form-post)!



Update 2: Well, now the problem magically disappeared. I am pretty sure Microsoft hasn’t read this mail. Maybe Apple did something to App Store, or maybe God heard my pain, or wanted to prevent me from becoming the ruler of the world and exact my revenge on the masses… wait… I never wanted that! Come on! I just wanted to use Word on my iPad!!! No need for world-taking-over or revenge-exacting-on-masses! Just plain old fun with Knifes… Argh! No! With words! I only play with words! Obviously…

Header image composed of the following works: By Microsoft Corporation, Public Domain, Link, Link; By ScottSteiner, Public Domain, Link; By Pexels, Public Domain, Link