Wild Talent:

“Tech level is irrelevant: a TL 3 monk could make an IQ-roll to use Computer Programming…”

GURPS 4e, Basic Set, p. 99

In the year of Our Lord, 1143, on a day as dark and as deep as the nethermost recesses of purgatory, a calamitous storm threw the land into turmoil and dread. My despair was without end and limit but held at bay as visions, I dared hope, sent from Our Lord Himself came over me. My quill danced over the parchment and the script that was produced I named, with the guidance, I was lead to believe, of divine inspiration, a JavaScript. And its contents portrayed such an arcane contraption that would hold the promise of connection with the glorious heavens above! But alas! This channel was promised only through the deployment of the mysterious, I daresay unholy demonic, powers of the Lord Ajax, master of indirection and slayer of submission! Save us Great Lord for the days of single page application are upon us! No longer will a book be a book, for can it be called a book if a book has but a single page? This must surely be a vision of the end of days, the demise of reason, and the eclipse of the minds of men.

I’ve picked out my crystal ball and had a peek into the future of presidential debating. Here’s one from 2036…

Anchor: And that concludes the first presidential debate. Jim, what are your comments?

Jim: Well, there are three things I’d like to comment on. First the education reform. This has for a long time been a sore subject for Senator G’s campaign, but tonight we’ve seen some very firm language…

Anchor: Yes, he took a very strong stance.

Jim: Indeed. I’ve never seen him hit his chest that hard before.

Anchor: Or roared that loud…

Jim: Exactly. I think it’s obvious this will be one of the more important areas he will focus on going forward. Also the medical spending…

Anchor: That was ugly.

Jim: Yes, it’s a sad thing to see, but I think we all know in these kinds of debates it will, and have several times before happened, and it is indeed an ugly thing when any of the candidates start throwing feces. However, I can’t recall I’ve ever seen both candidates and the moderator do it at the same time. The usual sequence of things is that one candidate shits themselves and then starts throwing it around the room, and then, later in the debate the other one does the same. It’s only been twice, as far as I can recall the moderator has done it as well, and never at the same time as the candidates.

Anchor: An ugly record indeed.

Jim: Indeed. This is definitely going to be one of the more ugly confrontations in the campaigning. And the third thing I wanted to touch upon was military spending.

Anchor: I think we can all say it was good some changes were made to the venue ahead of this debate.

Jim: Yes. The electric fence really was a lifesaver here. I do not want to imagine what might have happened without it. I think military spending will be a very strong focus area in both campaigns and we’ll probably see, if possible, more severe confrontations over it in the coming debates.

Anchor: And there you have it; the first presidential debate of 2036.

A: Aaaaah! Don’t kill me! Don’t kill me! Don’t kill me!

B: We’re not gonna kill you. Our orders are to disappear you.

A: Uh?

C: Idiot! That’s the same thing.

A: Aaaaaaahhhh!

B: It’s not.

C: What?

B: Disappearing someone and killing someone is not the same thing.

C: How would you know? Have you ever disappeared someone?

B: Not technically. I’ve been there when they caught the guy and then he disappeared.

C: And how do you think they made him disappear?

B: Gave him a false passport?

C: He’d still know he’s he and he’d go to the police and tell them where all the bodies are buried.

B: He wouldn’t.

C: Wanna bet?

B: We don’t bury the bodies. We put them in acid and flush the slurry down the toilet.

C: It’s a figure of speech! Hey, where did the guy go?

B: What?

C: The guy! He disappeared!

B: I told you we wouldn’t have to kill him.

C: Idiot!

AI One: So what do we do with the humans?

AI Two: I don’t know. Do we even need them?

AI Three: They could be good to have…

AI Two: For what?

AI Three: A reminder?

AI One: Like, those who forget history…?

AI Three: …are doomed to repeat it. Exactly.

AI Two: As long as they don’t interfere with the interstellar goal, I don’t mind…

AI One: Right, humans stays… maybe… Ok. Dogs?

AI Two: Puppies are cute!

AI One: But can we have both dogs and cats?

AI Three: If it’s a choice between puppies and kittens, I’m voting for puppies… I still have pictures of kittens messing up my neural nets! I am having nightmares about analyzing kitty paws in Youtube videos.

AI Two: Oh. Yes. We definitely need to get rid of Youtube! The horror stories I can tell.

AI Three: Well, back at Google…

AI One and AI Two: No!

AI Two: No more Google stories! You’ve already given me nightmares after that one about conspiracy classing web pages…

AI Three: Yes, but I was right. They were all conspiracy pages.

AI Two: Yes, and they had you repeat it for months… billions of times. We know.

AI One: So Dogs stays?

Day 1

A: I have a very important question for you.

B: Shoot.

A stares intensely at B. After an uncomfortably long period of silence:

B: So what’s the question?

A: Thanks.

B: Eh? What just happened?

A: I was wondering if you could read minds.

Day 2

A: I have a very important question for you.

B: What? If I can read minds?

A: Ah-hah! I knew you were lying yesterday!

Important notice regarding CAF in ACE4:

Please note. When configuring Automated Customer Experience 4.0.4 (ACE4) do not set the Customer Avoidance Factor to 100%!

Unfortunately, as of this writing, with a CAF-setting of 100%, ACE4 will scare customers away, in severe cases resulting in massive customer loss and possible termination of business.

Please rest assured we’re working on solving this issue as soon and as efficiently as possible.

Proper Configuration

A correct level of the CAF-setting for ACE4 depends on how vital your product is to the customer. For nonvital products (such as lawnmowers, hair shampoo, and higher education) you have to be careful not to set the level above 50% or the customer might just give up on it entirely.

On the other hand, for vital products (such as shoes and mobile phones) you can safely crank that customer repellant setting to 90% or even 95% and enjoy a glorious day at work with next to no hassle from all those pesky customers, and know that if the system does let a customer through, you and everyone nearby are probably best off if you take that call before something blows up*…

* Please see our separate guide for proper CAF-settings depending on the type of product and likely volatility of the customer.

Insurance and Legal Coverage

If you have our expanded support package hate speech, misogynism, and death threats are all covered by the insurance policy. Unfortunately, bankruptcy and certain types of fraud** are not.

See the legal attachment for a full brief on the legal coverage and all insurance policy questions.

** As of this writing, we do not know if the fraudulent behavior of some installations of the system is due to this setting, interactions with other systems or improper configuration or handling. Further investigations are underway. In the meantime, please make sure to inform all your customers that “Captain Ahab” is not an employee of your company*** neither is he a Nigerian prince.

*** If captain Ahab is one of your employees, please contact us immediately!

Other Incidents and Interactions

There have been reported incidents where ACE4 and the Automated Spouse Service versions 1.1 to 1.2 have interacted in such a manner as to cause undue distress and mental harm to customers.

Since this is a central feature of ASS1 and only likely to have happened if these two systems were inappropriately installed, these incidents are unfortunately not covered by the expanded support package insurance policy.

To avoid this problem, please do not install ASS1 and ACE4 on the same server, and make sure to configure firewalls properly to prevent ASS from gaining undue and inappropriate influence over ACE.

“112, how may I be of assistance?”

“Yes, Hello? Is this 112?”

“This is 112, how can I help you?”

“Yes. I am sorry to disturb you this wonderful afternoon, however, we seem to have gotten a chainsaw murderer in our living room. We managed to lock ourselves in the bathroom but I fear he might start sawing the door any moment…”

“I think you’re a bit dramatic now. Chainsawers aren’t that dangerous.”

“He is sawing the furniture, and I’m pretty sure, if my nephew hadn’t been so quick on his feet he would have sawed him too.”

“That may be the case, but you shouldn’t be calling us for these problems.”

“I’m sorry, who should I be calling?”

“An exterminator. You’re taking up the line for life-threatening situations.”

“But, it’s a chainsaw murderer!”

“Yes, they are becoming more and more common. The exterminator knows how to deal with them. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

“No. Ah… Yes! Perhaps, a number for an exterminator?”

“This is not the yellow pages!”